The speech people didn't hear from Obama to kick off his 2012 re-election campaign. I'm sure the original was something like this, and the final version was just edited for time, and to appeal more to his base and stuff.
My fellow Americans,
Today I'm pleased to announce my candidacy for President of the United States in 2012. We have done more to advance the progressive agenda in the last few years than any administration since FDR, but there is still much to do. Our country still faces many grave challenges, from curmudgeons in Congress who wish to keep us from borrowing infinite money, to the remaining industries which are not being run by our government, there is much we can still do to improve the country, and I intend to be there to help complete my vision for the United States.
Now, before I get into specifics for what I intend to accomplish in the next four years, I'd like to address some of the concerns that people have expressed about my presidency so far, from both sides of the aisle. I believe it's important for any candidate to be clear about where they stand on issues, what their positions are, and what their visions for the country are. I have perhaps not been as clear as I could have been in the past, and I'd like to take this opportunity to clear up some concerns, so we can move forward. I think once the American people have all the information, they will be able to see that I am clearly the best candidate for the job.
First, I'd like to address the issue of TARP. Now, some people have said that this was just a thinly-disguised bailout for the large financial institutions, and this is simply not true. The banks didn't become solvent again after we gave them $750,000,000,000 of taxpayer money, it would have required far more money to pay off all their leveraged bad investments and such. Of course, the Fed gave them a couple trillion additional dollars, but really, that wasn't the point. The point of giving them that much money was that they were able to keep paying their executives millions of dollars, and we were able to count those as jobs "created or preserved".
Also, giving the banks that money was instrumental in making sure housing prices could not correct to realistic values in the short term, ensuring that the housing market downturn would take at least five, and perhaps as long as ten years. Without the bailouts, banks would have to write down their bad loans, and housing prices would have dropped dramatically, making housing affordable for a great many more people. If that were to happen, the GSE's and the FHA wouldn't be effectively running the housing market; instead, it would be a free market. Look at where the free market got the country before all the government intervention and help, before the GSE's could inflate a giant housing bubble while generating huge profits, then turn around and demand a taxpayer bailout: does anyone really want to go back to those times?
Speaking of taxpayer money, I'd like to clear up another common misconception. Since taking office, I have increased the national debt by an enormous amount; a quicker pace, in fact, than any of my predecessors. Moreover, I have committed the country to a fiscally unsustainable path through Obamacare, and my refusal to do anything to confront growing entitlement payments, much less public employee salaries and benefits. A lot of people say this is wasting a truly monumental amount of taxpayer money, but the reality is that that is simply not true. We spend all the actual taxpayer money long before we get to all the bailouts, handouts, undeclared wars, and other things I have spent money on; that money is newly printed money, not taxpayer money. In my fiscal plan for the country, we never come close to catching up to the deficit I'm creating, so actual taxpayer money will never be spent on all the debt I'm accumulating.
Now, I know what you're thinking: won't we run out of money eventually? Well, that's the beauty of my plan: because the US government prints money, we don't need to worry about ever running out. The US economy is strong, we've never defaulted on our payments, and I believe in a strong currency. I have some very smart advisers, like Professor Paul Krugman, who tell me that printing money is never bad for a country, and cannot possibly cause any long-term problems. All of the commotion right now calling for debt reduction and the like is just politics; everyone knows you need to spend money to make money, and I'm certainly the best man for spending money.
Speaking of spending money, I'd like to talk about the stimulus plan for a minute. I'd like to say that this plan was an unmitigated success, despite what the detractors might say. We were personally able to give out nearly a trillion dollars to all sorts of needy individuals and groups, a few of which might not have even supported me in the last election. Under Vice President Joe Biden's watchful eye, not even a dollar of the money has been wasted, and in addition to generously rewarding my political allies, I have also managed to preserve at least 10,000 overpaid government jobs. Now, I know some people will say that with unemployment even higher now, and the private sector still suffering, the stimulus didn't fulfill its goal, but I'm here to tell you that those people just didn't understand the goal of the program. As a direct payout to my supporters and political allies, the program was a huge success, and I hope to repeat it in my second term.
Speaking of success, I'd like to quickly touch on some of my other accomplishments during my first term. during my initial campaign I called for change, and with the government now in control of the banking, housing, and automobile industries, we have had sweeping change. I called for closing Guantanamo Bay immediately, and that's basically done. I called for ending the war in Afghanistan and bringing all our troops home, and that's also essentially done. I got a Nobel Peace Prize, and have brought peace to many areas, including the Israel, Egypt, Syria, and Libya. I called for financial responsibility, and although Obamacare and my spending have put the country on the probably irreparable path to economic collapse, I'd like to qualify that as a victory as well. So all in all, I think we're doing pretty well.
However, we can do much more. The top 2% of the wealthy in this country are still allowed to make money, often in excess of $250,000 per year, and that just isn't fair to the rest of the hard workers in this country. We need a special 200% tax on those people; that's right, I say we not only take all their extra money, but make them pay even more. Now, before people get upset, of course there will have to be some exemptions to this, so that hard working people who exceed the cap don't get unfairly penalized, like retired city workers drawing pensions while also consulting for their normal salaries. That's why I also propose the creation of a new Czar of tax exemptions, who can grant waivers, like we do for Obamacare. That way, only the "bad" people will have to give up all their money, and as long as you can show that you're not "bad", you can keep your money, and maybe even get a tax "credit" at the same time. This system will serve as encouragement for the "bad" people to change their behavior, and greatly benefit the middle class.
Now, there is one more thing I'd like to address now. There have been some people, mostly hill-billy redneck tea-baggers, who have said that I am a socialist. Well, let me be clear: I am in favor of a government-run economy, where the government controls everything in the country for the benefit of the people. If that makes me a socialist, then I'm a socialist, but let's be frank: it's a long time since socialism was really out-of-favor in the US, and the Democratic Party has basically turned into the Socialist Party anyway. Progressive used to mean equal rights and liberal views; now it means unequal rights, crony capitalism, union favoritism, and big government. Those people say "socialist" like it's a bad thing; I say it's just what America needs, and with your help, in another four years we'll be very close to my vision for America.
So in closing, I ask for your vote in 2012, so that I can continue to lead America in this great transformation, from a prosperous nation of freedom, to something far different, and I say, greater. With your help, we can ensure that the next four years have as much profound change as the last four. Thank you, non-denominational politically-correct existential entity bless you, and non-denominational politically-correct existential entity bless America.